SAA Families - Winter 2000

By Bobby Collins

What is it about the end of the year holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years - that cause so much insanity in so many people? Even well-adjusted, normal, middle of the road folks (good luck finding any in your neighborhood!) seem to shut down their reasoning skills at these times.

People who, throughout the rest of the year are perfectly sensible, toss that common sense in the trunk and go nuts. Shopping frenzies, panic attacks, decorations for the front yard, sincere cards to people they can’t remember, irrational beliefs in the ability to actually have a perfect, “Norman Rockwell” scene at every gathering, drive them over the edge.

That’s the normal minority of families who aren’t dealing with the added bonuses we stepdads enjoy. Stepdads seem to fall into an uncomfortable crack in the floor when holidays roll around. We aren’t quite outsiders yet we certainly aren’t like regular family, either.

Many of the fondest traditions mom shares with her ‘ids are foreign to stepdad. They are the links to that “other” life, with another man. We usually wind up feeling stuck between two impossibilities. If I try to go along with the tree trimming ceremony, for example, I invariably get in the way of something that is someone else’s job. But if I stay back and let mom and the kids do it alone, I’m thought of as being sulky or jealous.

As a stepfamily, our troubles seem to grow exponentially We get to sweat over the logistics and timetables of not one, but two or three households’ holiday schedules. Just as we are frantically trying to coordinate everyone’s schedule in our family, my ex informs us that she’ll have to have the kids that same day for her time with them.

Now you find that dynamite can indeed come in small packages. Such seemingly insignificant matters as… when to open presents - who to buy presents for - immediate family or in-laws or ex-grandparents, what to fix for a traditional Thanksgiving family dinner - every family has its own special traditions that are most important, or even which ornaments from which family get hung where on the family Christmas tree… can have families at each other’s throats.

So how can a man maintain his place in his home without pushing out his new family members… or feeling like a neighbor who has stayed too long? Throughout the panic and confusion of this holiday season, remember where you are in your life. This is a starting point to a whole future. Statistics show over and over that it takes an average of four to seven years for families to feel like family. Accept that next year will be better and deal with it. Stepdads who can look beyond the immediate discomfort they may feel have a chance to be real heroes to their families. Focus on being a calming influence to your wife when the chaos hits. Wear thicker skin when around stepkids and your ex.

Care for your loved ones. Care about how you are teaching them to be adults. Care about the reputation you are carrying through life.