By Estalyn Walcoff

Anyone who has raised a teenager knows those years aren’t easy. Teens are attempting to free themselves from childhood dependency on their parents and reorient themselves within a wider social framework of their peers. The task of blending a family or building a stepfamily, on the other hand, is to develop new bonds and rituals in order to create a strong family unit.

In biological families, developing bonds and trust begins when children are infants. Stepfamilies often attempt to build bonds when the children are teens who are trying, quite naturally, to disrupt their bonds with adults. No one is doing anything wrong, yet everyone suffers.

Creating what feels like a family may take four to seven years in the best of circumstances. This assumes amicable ”exes,” good communication between the new partners and having young children. Add teenagers to the mix and your newly blended family may not gel entirely until the teens finish college and want to re-enter the family fold. Child development specialists agree that teens need structure within which to test their new-found freedoms. Most new stepparents, however, should not discipline stepchildren for at least one or two years. That is the job of the biological parent alone.

The stepparent’s role should be seen, at the beginning, as that of a friendly, helpful aunt or uncle, rather than as an authority figure.

So what should you do if your stepchild disobeys or acts disrespectfully? Create rules and chore lists with your new spouse and have him enforce them with his biological children.

Have your spouse teach her children to act respectfully to you. This may include something as simple as telling teens that although they don’t have to love or even like their new stepmom or stepdad, they do have to say hello and good-bye.

Some other tips for new stepparents of teens:

• Spend some one-on-one fun time with your stepchild, if he lets you. The activity should be of his choosing (shooting baskets, going to the movies or whatever).

• Be willing to listen to her when she’s willing to open up.

• Share stories about your own teen years.

• Go to the teen’s sports and school events, even if the other biological parent will be there. Be cordial.

• Never say anything bad about the other biological parent (even if you’re dying to)

• Don’t take teens’ lack of interest in you personally.

• Join a stepparent support group.

Estalyn Walcoff, RKIP, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Brighton and president of the Stepfamily Association of Rochester