Wedding Guide - Week of July 8, 2007

By Molly Giles

So, marrying the love of your life means hitching on a few of his/her progeny? The blended family you create can bring new richness to everybody’s life, says Estalyn Walcoff, Rochester psychotherapist and president of the Rochester Stepfamily Association. But, there can be hurdles and challenges along the way, so it’s best to be prepared.

Ten years ago, when Walcoff married fellow therapist Marvin Skorman and blended his (one) and her (two) daughters, they had no idea of the problems they would face.

“We made all the mistakes,” she said. “We went through every stage — nuclear war, atomic war, detente, peaceful coexistence.” Today, they’re a happy, harmonious family whose lessons are helping other families. Walcoff’s experiences inspired her to work with stepfamilies. She studied and trained and now counsels and leads support groups for stepfamilies at every stage.

“Stepfamilies need support,” she said. “The general divorce rate is 50 percent, but the divorce rate for remarriages with kids is 75 percent. It’s so important for people to learn some of the do’s and don’ts.”

Beyond The Brady Bunch

According to Walcoff, most couples bringing kids into a marriage hope their new life will be a reenactment of The Brady Bunch, that famous TV sitcom about a Stepfamily where everybody totally loves everybody. In fact, say the experts, the first year of becoming a stepfamily is usually the toughest, and it generally takes about four years to get the new family established — longer for some.

“We’re doing fantastically now. We love each other and tell each other we love each other,” said psychotherapist and step-mom Estalyn Walcoff, here with Marvin Skorman and their daughters (l to r) Halli Bayer, Stephanie Skorman, Tasha Bayer.

“Sometimes it goes very smoothly,” said Walcoff. “There are so many factors that influence the ease or difficulty, such as the ages of the children being ‘blended’ the attitude of ex-spouses and grandparents, the parenting experience of each spouse, circumstances of the divorce/remarriage, and other factors unique to each new family.”

Tips for stepfamilies-to-be

• Encourage kids to talk about their feelings about the past and future. If appropriate, share photo albums, honoring ‘old times.’

• Anticipate, and be sensitive to jealousies or competition that may arise between new stepsiblings.

• Ask grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. to be supportive of the new family you’re creating.

• Include or acknowledge the kids in the wedding ceremony.

• Commit yourselves to ‘couple time’ now and later — to keep your romance alive and communication open. Agree to go out alone together once a week — and really do it, even if it’s hard to pull away from family responsibilities.

Courtesy of Estalyn Walcoff, president of the Rochester Stepfamily Association.

“With little kids,” she said, “there’s a better chance for bonding and for the children to eventually really open themselves to a stepparent. But if you’re dealing with teenagers who are already pushing away the natural parents, there’s a good chance they’ll push away a stepparent, too.”
For the kids in between, there can be lots of feelings they’re holding in.

Encourage kids’ feelings

“Almost every child of divorce harbors a dream that his parents will get back together,” said Walcoff. “The remarriage is the end of that dream.”

She advises parents (both before and after the wedding) to help kids talk about how the hoped-for reconciliation won’t be happening, and how everybody feels. A child needs to grieve for the lost family, and even for life with their single parent. If they don’t, these pent-up hurts and angers can erupt later in acting-out behaviors that cause conflict and test the solidarity of the new couple.

“Some kids won’t talk, even given the opportunity,” said Walcoff. “My older daughter was seven when I was remarrying, and for five years she would cover her ears whenever I gave her the opportunity to talk. Then finally, because I persisted, she opened up.” Keep trying, she advised. Keep gently opening up the subject.

Don’t take it personally

Most stepparents want deeply to love and be loved by their new kids. “But, you may not have a chance,” said Walcoff “depending on their ages, what their biological mom or dad is telling them about you, or how their lives are changed by the marriage.” When conflict happens, don’t take it as a personal rejection or failure. Sometimes you’re dealing with unalterable stages of child development.

But even when kids are having trouble with the new marriage, said Walcoff, respect and politeness should be shown to the stepparent (Just remembering the simple ‘Hello, please, thank you,’ can make so much difference in a stepparent’s life, she noted). She also advises stepparents not to discipline a stepchild for at least a year. If there is an undesirable behavior, the biological parent should talk to the child. The stepparent should take the role of a friendly and loving aunt or uncle.

The first-time parent

The stepfamily where one spouse is a parent and one isn’t “can be one of the hardest stepfamily situations,” said Walcoff. “People who haven’t raised children sometimes can’t understand why their spouse allows certain behaviors.”

For new parent Linda Bumett, a writer in Bloomfield, NY, it’s been equal parts thrilling and challenging. “I fell in love with four people all at once. How do you fight that?” In 1997, Burnett, single and age 45, agreed to marry Dan Compton, a divorced dad with custody of his three children, aged 4, 10 and 12. Robyn, the 4-year-old, bonded to Burnett immediately, and “was the clincher.” In Burnett’s case, the kids’ biological mother had left the family and had broken ties quite dramatically, so along with no stepsiblings, there were no disapproving exes to contend with. “I think it made things easier that there wasn’t a third party coming in and interfering,” said Burnett.

“The joys are too numerous to list,” said Linda Burnett about her step-family. Clockwise: Dan Compton, Linda Burnett, Robyn, Josh, and Rachael Compton.

Her new stepchildren welcomed her. “From the moment Dan and I kissed and were officially married, the children started calling me Mom, and they’ve never stopped,” said Burnett. She also enjoyed strong family support — three sisters who are devoted aunts, her parents, Dan’s parents, and even the parents of the Dan’s ex-wife. “People will say, “You’re friends with his ex-wife’s parents? I say ‘I’m more than friends. I love them.’”

Yet, their family also had their challenges. “One of the problems I had when we started is that for 45 years I’d been alone. I’d lived in a pristine, immaculate house. I hadn’t dealt with children!” Overnight, she was faced with back-to-school shopping, parent-teacher conferences, children’s peer issues, as well as her own loss of solitude and independence. She also introduced her own changes. An animal-lover, she brought with her an entourage of beloved pets as well as her passion for yard work and gardening and, from her own family, a high value placed on kids doing household chores. At one point, the older children started letting their schoolwork slide.
“Our kids, unbeknownst to me, were still going through a transition from divorce, from being alone, and they were having problems adjusting that were coming out in school.”

Working together

“That first year was a roller coaster,” said Bumett. “We were all trying to get used to our different personalities.” The thing that helped them the most, said Burnett, was “that we had this house to work on together.” She took time off work that first summer and recruited the kids to help her tame their 3-acre property — including a pond, overgrown with brush and trees. “I said, ‘Okay kids, put on your dirty clothes.’ Together as a team, the four of us ripped through the weeds on the pond and opened it up so we could actually use the pond. Josh had a canoe and he thought that was so great that he could use the boat for the first time in his life. We became a foursome, the kids and I. We became a family that first summer.”

Don’t give up

“This was probably the biggest challenge of my life, these three kids,” said Linda Burnett and in almost the same breath, “The joys are too numerous to list.” Estalyn Walcoff said of her family today: “We’re doing fantastically now. We love each other and tell each other we love each other. We’ve really worked on it. I’m glad to say that we hung in there.”

Stepfamilies like these, who’ve successfully blended, feel it’s worth all the effort everybody puts in. And the effort pays off in other ways — in the acquiring of important life skills. “Learning to cope with these new other people that you’re living with makes you enormously strong,” said Walcoff.

But the most wonderful reward, she said, is this new person in the kids’ lives. “A stepparent brings to your children another devoted adult — as well as their wisdom and ideas and their unique way of looking at life.”