Challenge & Joy In Blending Yours & Mine

May 31, 1996

By Estalyn Walcoff

When “Bill” and “Linda” came to see me several months ago, they were both distraught. By the time that they came to my office, they didn’t know if their marriage of one year was going to last. Each had brought to their marriage two children from previous marriages, which had ended in bitter divorces. Her children, ages 5 and 8, rarely saw their dad. Nonetheless, they didn’t seem to want “Bill” to be a part of their lives at all and he felt like an outsider whenever his own children weren’t around. His —13-year-old twins— lived with them every other week. Whenever “Linda” asked them to do something, they informed her that they had different rules at their mom’s house so they wouldn’t obey hers.

“Bev” and “Ken” also wondered if their marriage was going to be able to withstand the pressures of “blending” their families. She was beginning to feel like the proverbial “wicked stepmother,” while she had always thought herself to be a kind and loving person. “Ken” felt frustrated because when he tried to discipline his stepsons, they would not listen to him.

Both “Bev” and “Ken” were feeling inadequate and guilty because they didn’t really feel “love” for their stepchildren and thought this was unusual and somehow wrong. And they were secretly beginning to wonder what had happened to the romance that had first brought them together.

These two couples are composites of some of the families I’ve seen as a stepfamily consultant. Actually, I see many of the same problems over and over again. And, I often marvel at how similar my clients’ issues are to those my new husband and I have faced over the years.

Let me share with you some guidelines which I have gleaned from my own experience, from what has worked with my clients, and from what the “experts” have to say.

• Understand that the average time it takes for a stepfamily to develop a sense of “being a family” is five to seven years. Some of the factors affecting your sense of being a family are whether the biological parent approves of the stepparent, whether the children are allowed to grieve the demise of their previous family, and whether the new couple honestly communicate their feelings to each other.

• Stepparents should take at least a year before they begin to discipline their stepchildren. Some experts say discipline should come only from the biological parent. If the biological parent is not home, he or she should tell the children that they must respect the stepparent just as they would any other adult in charge. Stepparents have to earn their stepchildren’s respect before they discipline and this may take years.

• Create new ritual as a family. Whether it’s eating pizza outdoors on the first day of summer or celebrating birthdays by piling balloons on someone’s bed each year, new rituals will reflect your unique way of being together. Regular family meetings are great, too. And don’t forget to include stepgrandparents in these rituals since they, too, have to learn what their new role entails.

• Reframe your expectations of yourself and the children. You may be overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy or inadequacy. You are not neurotic. These feelings come with the territory. Talk to your spouse about these feelings. Talk to others in the same situation. Your children may misbehave because they are angry that they have to share you with your new spouse. Allow them to talk about it and acknowledge that their feelings are normal.

• Put an enormous amount of energy into your relationship with your new spouse. A strong marriage will give all the children a sense of security. Plus, you can be good role models of how a loving relationship looks and acts. The children may balk at the time not spent with them, but they will greatly benefit from your happiness as a contented spouse.

Unlike situations in TV shows like The Brady Bunch, forming successful stepfamilies takes hard work. While it can take up to seven years for a stepfamily to stabilize, 44 percent of stepfamily couples divorce within the first four years. With information, guidance, and support, I feel, the percentages of failed second and third marriages can be greatly reduced.

To this end, the Stepfamily Association of America was formed in 1979. Given the fact that by the year 2000, one-third of all Americans will be involved in a stepfamily, this organization can potentially impact on millions of people.

Many stepfamilies do succeed. There is great joy in knowing that you’ve been a unique role model for a child. Or that you’ve helped your spouse open his or her mind to new ways of interacting or parenting. The children in one family I know recently decided to celebrate Stepparents Day in their family each year on the second Sunday in July. That was indeed a day of celebration!

Walcoff is a nurse practitioner and therapist who counsels stepfamilies and she is the president of the Rochester Stepfamily Association. She is a stepmother and lives in Brighton.