SAA Families - Winter 2000

By Michelle Diamond

The holidays are coming and this can be a stressful time for all families, let alone single parent families and stepfamilies. It’s a time that generally brings up expectations of what a family is supposed to really be like - whatever that is! I remember the first winter holidays I went through after my own divorce more than 10 years ago. Everything I saw on T.V. reflected happy families celebrating without a care in the world. Where were all the unhappy people like me? Was I the only one?

Luckily things have changed since then. There are more and more T.V. shows that reflect divorced and stepfamilies and some are even realistic! Remember that the shows in which everyone has the most peaceful, perfect holidays are just that, shows. No family, or family event is ever totally perfect! Nevertheless, it’s a stressful time and thus it’s best for parents to plan ahead on who’s going to be where and for older kids to state any preferences they may have.

Most parents set up an alternating holiday schedule so that things are fair and there is no last minute need to discuss the plans. The Mom might have the kids for Thanksgiving and the Dad have the kids for Christmas/Hanukah one year, and then the reverse the next year. Other families choose to split the holidays - especially Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Whatever plan you come up with, stick to it unless it’s absolutely necessary to change it. Kids don’t like changes and neither do many adults. It just adds to the stress. If you’re a parent who won’t have your kids with you during the holidays, be sure to make plans for yourself and reassure your kids that you’ll be fine.

Now that your family situation has changed, it is an opportunity to add new traditions to the old ones. In a stepfamily in which there are children from two previous marriages, there are bound to be clashes about how things are done. Have a family meeting to discuss how you’ll handle things. Try maintaining some of the traditions from both of the families in addition to adding on new and special things that can become traditions for the stepfamily.

If you’re a kid, and you’re wondering where you’ll be for the holidays, ask your parents now so that you won’t have to be worrying about it later. And if you’re concerned about leaving one parent for the other for the holidays, stop worrying. Your parent(s) will of course miss you, but they’ll be fine while you’re gone. If possible, try to call your folks on holidays when you’re not with them and speak to both your parent and stepparent. You will feel better and so will they.

And kids - Be sure to enjoy all those extra presents from all the new people in your life.

Happy Holidays to Everyone!