SAA Families - Winter 2000

By Perdita Kirkness Norwood

Joy to the World! Happy Holidays! That’s the way it should be at this time of year. But for many stepfamilies, in particular stepmothers, it can be a season of apprehension and stress. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just as we think “location, location, location” when buying a house or condo, we need to think “plan, plan, plan” as we prepare for the holidays.

Here are some tips to help step-mothers achieve a trouble-free holiday season, heard from experienced stepmoms while researching my book.

First, to help you cope at this busy time, it’s vital you feel good about yourself. Plan in advance what you will wear for various events, buying something new if necessary. Make advance hair appointments, manicures, facials, whatever will give your confidence a boost. Consider dieting before the feasts begin - being overweight may affect how you look and feel and can be very depressing.

Don’t expect everything to go perfectly - it won’t; it never does. It’s inevitable there will be glitches. Resolve to “go with the flow,” accepting that these are normal in your circumstances.

Try approaching difficult family members with “For your dad’s sake, let’s put our differences aside during the holidays.” It helps to say “for dad’s sake” (or some other appropriate person) so it doesn’t seem you are doing it for yourself.

Assume your role immediately when you join a stepfamily - merging into the scenery is no place for a stepmother. Until you know people better, simply pass out some compliments when visiting others; “I love the way you’ve arranged those candles;” “I’ve never tasted sweet potatoes this good.” In your own home, your territory, a warm welcome and a smile are far more important than an immaculate house and gourmet food.

Take the initiative and discuss with your mate, well in advance, how you’d like to spend the holidays. Try to involve him in everything, since you’re planning for his family as well as your own. Work out your budget and consider giving joint gifts to members of both families. This avoids needless worry for both of you and making mistakes when you’re unsure of people’s tastes or needs.

Once the two of you have agreement, involve all the children, yours and his. This is where your flexibility and generosity kick in. It’s foolish to have exhausted children rushing between the homes of a divorced mom and dad. Discuss holding your own Thanksgiving or Christmas feast on another day, if folks are committed elsewhere. You will then be free, if asked, to join their celebrations.

Better to be respected as a creative stepmom willing to compromise graciously than to insist on getting your way. How about a night-before-Thanksgiving party, a Sunday-after-Christmas one, or even one on Twelfth Night (January 6th) to keep the peace? Make certain all extended family members are included; nobody should be isolated at this time of year, not even Uncle Fred who does nothing but complain.

With the possible exception of religious calendars, nothing should be allowed to dictate the way a stepfamily celebrates. Whatever works and pleases the majority is fine! Discuss with step and biological children how both sets of traditions can be incorporated. Ask for their assistance in making sure everyone enjoys themselves.

Accept all offers of help for an event in your home -even if the favorite recipes neither mix nor match, and your stepdaughter ruins the gravy. If there are no offers, approach the group with “I need the best potato masher in the house, and someone to set the table.” Hard to refuse this overture. Relax, smile, and make a mental note to do things differently next year.

Make absolutely sure, especially if you don’t have biological children, that you have someone with you at your home who knows you well and can offer support if needed. You cannot allow yourself to feel an outsider. But recognize that celebrations for stepfamilies are frequently tinged with sadness and memories of what may seem like the good old days. Everyone shares these feelings: getting used to new traditions, different food, being with strangers instead of loved ones, in different homes. It will bring out the best in some, and the worst in others. As stepmom you can help determine the emotional tone of your household by being calm and cheerful.

When it’s all over, review with your mate what caused the glitches, and what made the brilliant moments so good. Learn from this so next year can be even better. Happy Holidays!