4 - Week of February 1, 1993 - KidsBy Jesse Fox Mayshark

There isn’t really anything parents can do to make a divorce easy for a child.

But counselors say there are things they can do to make it less frightening and less mysterious, and most of them have to do with being open and sensitive to a child’s needs.

It can be hard for parents, who arc often emotionally frazzled themselves during a divorce, to take the time and have the patience to help their children through the situation.

But it is vital to maintaining the children’s sense of security and self-esteem.

Telling them

If it can be avoided, parents should not spring the news of a divorce on children with no warning.

“I think the hardest thing for them to deal with is when it’s very sudden,” said Sheila Evans, a counselor at Greece Arcadia High School.

As soon as parents decide to separate, they should begin preparing their children for the idea, and assuring them that both parents still love them.

They should also make it clear that the children are not the cause of the divorce. This is especially important with young children.

“‘Kids, being egocentric, will center it around themselves,” said Sue Gager, a counselor at Alien Creek Elementary School in Pittsford.

The process should be de-mystificd as well. Parents should explain, in language appropriate to the children’s ages, exactly what is going to happen and when.

And while they should encourage children to ask questions and talk about their feelings, parents should not be surprised or hurt if the children don’t want to talk at all.

“The (children’s) initial feelings are shock and denial,” Evans said. “Initially, they aren’t ready to talk about it. It can take months or even years.”

Outside help

Counselors agreed that one of the most helpful things parents can do is encourage their children to talk to either school counselors or family therapists.

Sometimes, it helps if the whole family goes to counseling. Often, children want to be alone to talk to someone outside the family.

“I think people underestimate how valuable it is to have someone listen to your pain,” Evans said. “That’s why we’re here.”

Many children also find support in peer group counseling. Most schools these days have discussion groups for children with family problems.

By talking to their peers, and hearing from others, children learn that they are not alone in dealing with their situation.

Even so, many children have trouble accepting that a divorce is irrevocable. They feel like they should have had some say in the matter.

“They don’t accept what has happened, and they expend a lot of time and a lot of energy trying to get their parents back together,” Evans said.

Moving on

Taking the next step past divorce can be as hard for children as the divorce itself.

Learning to live with one parent at a time, it is easy for them to feel like ping-pong balls knocked back and forth.

Tricia Fitzsimons, a counselor at West Irondequoit High School, said that’s why more and more divorced parents are choosing somewhat open-ended custody arrangements.

Instead of spending weekdays one place and weekends another, children are more often able to see the “absent” parent at other times as well. Fitzsimons said both parents should try to be involved with their children’s total lives, not just with a segment of them.

Another potential complication arrives if one parent becomes involved in another relationship or marriage.

This destroys the hopes that many children still harbor of an eventual reconciliation, and should be handled with all the sensitivity and understanding of a divorce itself.

Fitzsimons said divorce also raises questions in the minds of children whose parents are still together. If a child sees a friend’s parents separating, he or she might fear for his or her own security.

In that case, parents need to reassure children, and explain that not every domestic quarrel means divorce.

“It gives the parents a nice chance to assure the children of their (own) relationship,” Fitzsimons said. “It’s a perfect Opportunity to explain to kids what it means when these things happen.”