Your Stepfamily - Steptember/October 2002

By Robert Klopfer

Discipline with younger children in srepfamilies is usually easier to establish. They are more willing to accept the role of the stepparent as an authority figure and, in general, have fewer loyalty conflicts and carry less emotional baggage. With younger children, the key for the stepparent is to be caring and considerate.

Discipline issues for the new stepparent with adolescents are more complex. We must understand that adolescents are in a developmental process of separation and individuation. New stepparents are trying to get closer to them while they are moving away from the family. For a stepparent, the issue may be compounded by an adolescent’s resentment of a new stepparent attempting to act as an authority figure without being vested with parental authority by the teenager. “You’re not my father” is a rebuke that brings shudders to stepdads.

How do we effectively discipline adolescents in stepfamilies? Here are six suggestions that should prove helpful:

1. By discipline we mean teaching the adolescent a lesson that we feel is important. We need to do this without damaging their self-esteem. We want teens to feel guilty about bad behavior, not about themselves. We want them to fear consequences of their bad behavior, not fear us.

2. It is naive to think that parents can go through their child’s adolescence without conflict. If the biological parent takes the lead in dealing with conflict, it allows the stepparent to play a supportive role to their partner and, at times, even advocate for the teenager. In most stepfamilies, biological discipline is easier to accept for the adolescent because it comes without fear of loss of love. When a new stepparent is assigned the disciplinarian role, more conflict can be anticipated.

3. Experts strongly urge stepparents do not take on the direct responsibility of disciplining teenagers. In most cases, this is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

4. Trying to understand why something happened is important. Especially with adolescents who are complex, evolving human beings, trying to view an event through the teenager’s eyes gives the parenting team a new perspective. This may help them teach their adolescent a lesson without it feeling like a punishment. Discipline is intended to be a teaching tool to learn important life lessons.

5. It is appropriate for the biological parent to create rules for teens. If there is a difference in approach between the biological parent and the stepparent, they should come to agreement before the rules are presented to the children. In general, if you do make a rule, be sure you are willing to implement the consequences of the rule being broken. The consequence should be known in advance whenever possible. Not following through with the consequence encourages adolescents to become more manipulative to see what they can get away with doing. Parents who do not follow through with stated consequences lose credibility in the eyes of their teenagers.

6. Acknowledge the mistakes you make with your teenager. We all make mistakes and we are all prone to misunderstanding actions, intent, or reactions of others. Honestly telling your teenager that you were wrong and why you think you made the mistake models good behavior for them. It also helps to build trust and respect for you.

Robert Klopfer, L.C.S.W., is co-director of Stepping Stones Counseling Center, Ridgewood, New Jersey. He has more than 30 years of experience in counseling stepfamilies and working with parenting issues. For more information, call 201.652.8222 or visit: www.stepfamilies.com. Robert serves on the SAA Board of Directors.