SAA Families - Summer 1990By Ann Getzoff

I just talked to my oldest son, Andy, who is 25, and in graduate school in Missouri. When we were ready to hang up, he said, “I love you. Mom.” Just like that. Right out of the blue. He also wrote that in a letter a few weeks ago - there it was. “I love you. Mom.” This is new territory for me. I didn’t grow up hearing “I love you,” and I didn’t say it to my parents. The love was there. I knew they loved me, but we didn’t say it. I still can’t say it easily to my brother and sister.

1 have wonderful, loving female friends who say “I love you” to me all the time and I have gradually learned to say it back to them, and to say it to my children. I always told my children I loved them in times of crisis or discussion as in ‘ 3 love you a lot and I worry about you,” or ‘ 1 love you too much to let you do that.” Now my sons are 21,22 and 25 and as I take the risk to open my heart up more and more in the world, I can say it. It’s even better that it’s not a habit because when I say it or hear it I am fully conscious of the fullness in my chest and how much I love and value these wonderful gorgeous young men who are now completely separate from me.

My failure to openly declare my love to my Sons comes under the category of things I did wrong.” In this same category, I also allowed my sons to push me away when they reached that age when they were embarrassed and pulled away from my hugs and kisses. I thought I was respecting their boundaries by staying away. I now advise parents to “sneak attack” with a hug or a kiss or a touch whenever they can, like the mom in the children’s book who sneaked into her teenage son s room at night when he was asleep and rocked and sang to him. They need it and love it (if you’re not smothering with control as well) and when they reach 19, 20 or 21, they start hugging and kissing back!

Things I did right? I let go. From working with teenagers in my counseling practice, I had learned to trust the developmental process. I respected my teenagers’ drive for autonomy - the need to be separate from me and figure out who they are. I knew that when parents protect teens from making their own mistakes, they steal the opportunity for the teen to learn whatever lesson he is trying to teach himself.

Sometimes / wasn’t ready, though, and when I didn’t trust enough, I was open to negotiation. When Mark, at 14, wanted to sleep in line the night before a “WHO” concert in order to get a good seat I said, “I’m not quite ready for that Mark. Can you think of an alternative plan?” rather than saying, “You’re too young…there are drugs there…why do you have to be the first one in line . . . etc.” And I did agree to take him and his friend to the train at the crack of dawn so they could get in line early the day of the concert.

I was pretty good at logical consequences. I let Mark go to kindergarten without breakfast and in his pajamas in order to pull out of the power struggle we were having about getting dressed in the morning. I would put the bag of garbage on the bed of the boy who forgot to take it out and I rarely picked up after anyone. I could wait till the proverbial cow came home in order to insist that a boy do his forgotten job. This was a bone of contention between my husband, David, and myself because his style was to pick up or do the job, and get angry and resentful about it. The boy, of course, got to feel guilty and helpless to atone. It’s not that I didn’t do my share of yelling, screaming and generally going crazy. I did. And I have forgiven myself.

I stayed out of power struggles about friends, clothes, hair, grades, clean rooms or anything else that I felt was basically not my business or not worth sacrificing our relationship for. I think my kids became the capable people they are because I allowed them to be responsible for most of the areas of their life that did not affect me directly. Other things I would have done differently? Here’s the big one. I think I was in denial about my children’s problems with their stepdad. We were a “good enough” family in my mind and I felt grateful that David was so involved with my boys in sports and in Boy Scouts. When we were married, our six boys were ages 3, 5, 6, 6, 9 and 11.

My ex-husband died soon after David and I got together, and it seemed easy to let David run with being Dad. Those early years seemed easy emotionally for us as look back on them. We were struggling financially, very busy, working hard, and having a great time as a family. We were also coping with David’s severely handicapped 11 year old who lived in a convalescent hospital and visited us frequently on weekends. (Kevin died in 1985 at age 23.) David did not express anger at me directly, so it was easy (probably necessary) for me to remain in denial about the ways that he expressed his anger in our household. He was great with little boys because he loves to play, but he was very angry when I wasn’t around. He was very tolerant of “normal” teenage horseplay, partying, etc., but was extremely intolerant about lack of responsibility on the kid’s part in the house and in taking care of possessions. It absolutely enraged him that these teenagers did not take these responsibilities in an adult way.

I was much more comfortable about their lack of perfection because I knew from working with hundreds of parents that the job is reminding, coaxing, yelling, doing consequences as consistently and lovingly as possible and overlooking A LOT!

So when I listen now to the pain my children experienced in our family with David’s anger and dissatisfaction with them, it’s easy to beat myself up for not insisting on more family therapy or for not being able to intervene in a more productive way on their behalf. David has difficulty communicating in an intimate way, and my children gave up on attempting to communicate with him as young teenagers. At that time the need for a talking relationship became more important than skiing or hiking together, and their relationships gradually deteriorated. I know my part in that dynamic and take responsibility for that. It has to do primarily with my controlling and my tendency to relate to David in a critical, rather than a loving, supportive way. My close relationship with my sons and my self-righteousness about parenting the “right way” always left him in the excluded position. Now it seems too late for them and I feel sad about that. David’s two boys, of course, love him deeply and still persist in relating to him.

A word about being a stepmother. I was not a great one. Where I failed was in developing one-on-one relationship with my two younger stepsons. I never took the time. A year ago, David and I separated for the second time. After 15 years of struggling to be a stepfamily, we called it quits. Ironically, my 22-year-old stepson is the only one living in the house with me. He asked if he could stay for a few weeks while he found another place to live, and after a few weeks I invited him to stay longer. We have taken the time to talk and work through some issues we have had, and I must admit he is a much more respectful roommate than are my own children. He puts out the garbage cans every week without being reminded! We have agreed to renegotiate each month, and for now I feel good about him being here.

Is this a success story about raising teenagers in a stepfamily? I’m not sure. The tree died, but the fruit’s Grade A terrific. We did a “good enough” job. David and I are still close and will probably do holidays, graduations and other important events together until one of us needs to include another partner in those activities. I love David and feel grateful that he devoted 15 years to being a family with us. He was the best dad and stepdad he knew how to be, and 1 was the best mom and stepmom I knew how to be. I forgive us both for our failures and I want to continue to grow and to be a better model and a friend to my adult children and stepchildren. And I will say, “I love you” more often. It’s never too late for that.

Ann Getzoff is a marriage and family counselor in private practice in Los Gatos, Calif. She is past president ofSAA, Calif, State Division, co-author of Stepkids. A Survival Guide for Teens in Stepfamilies, former board member and Bulletin Chair for SAA, and mother and stepmother.