From December 2005 of Redbook

Debbie and Terry Crews, of Gainesville, FL, have been married for only five months, but there’s already a wedge in their relationship: his ex-wife. Debbie knew that Terry’s ex would be in their life-after all, Terry, 39, has every-other-week custody of his 8-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter from his 11-year marriage. But what bothers Debbie is how much Terry has been talking to his ex since they divorced two years ago. “I get along fine with her, but it’s very difficult for me that she and Terry talk practically every day,” says Debbie, 43, who works as an administrative assistant. “For example, recently she was telling him about a medical test she’d just had. They don’t seem to limit their conversations to the kids-she wants to share, and he listens.”
Terry, a law-enforcement officer, says he tries to keep conversations with his ex-wife short and focused on the children, but “personal things just come up.” It’s not as though he’s ignoring the problem, though, he says: “Debbie is very special to me, and the kids love her. 1 don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that,”
Despite Terry’s good intentions, the situation just isn’t getting any better. “I can’t help but worry that Terry’s ongoing relationship with his ex-wife will erode our emotional connection,” says Debbie, who adds that, at times, Terry’s bond with his ex also makes her feel like an outsider in the family. “I don’t want anyone to hate each other, but I feel stuck.”

Conflict Flashpoints
The co-parenting dilemma. While Debbie realizes that she, Terry, and Terry’s ex all have parental roles to play, her own experience with her ex-husband makes it hard for. her to accept how close Terry and his ex still are. “My own children are all out of the house now, and I rarely talk to their father,” she says. “But even when the kids were younger we never really had the phone conversations that Terry has with his ex-wife.” Terry’s perspective is that his “closeness” with his ex is all about the kids. “The logistics of caring for the kids are what my ex and I talk about most,” he says.

Taking a hands-off approach. During the year that Debbie and Terry dated before getting married, the two did try to tackle the issue in premarital counseling. The solution they came up with: Since it’s Terry’s ex who initiates most of the calls, it’s up to her to fix the problem by calling less. “I’ve relayed to my ex-Wife that I should be talking to Debbie more than I talk to her,” says Terry. At the same time, Debbie is reluctant to get involved in discussions about the kids’ care with Terry’s ex. “I feel like it’s not my place to step in,” she says. And Terry agrees. “It’s up to me to make the arrange01ents for the kids,” he says. “I don’t want Debbie to do too much.”

Competing intimacies. Debbie is also uncomfortable with Terry and his ex spending time together-even if it involves the kids. One recent instance that alarmed her: Terry was planning to chaperone his daughter’s school trip to Washington, DC, and his ex wanted to come. along too. “Friends of mine said they wouldn’t be happy if their husband was considering going on a trip with his ex-wife, and I agree,” says Debbie. “I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of them being in a strange town together as a family, but I didn’t want to say no because I didn’t want his daughter to miss that experience.” Terry decided not to go on the trip; his ex is chaperoning instead.

No boundaries. Debbie says her unease about Terry’s ex doesn’t have so much to do with jealousy as it does with being frustrated that she can’t ever escape her influence. “It’s tough because she has a history with his family,” says Debbie, who feels that Terry’s ex plays a vital role in the family that she can’t ever match. “She has gone to family funerals and Terry’s family was really nice to her.
I feel tied to her, and I don’t think she intentionally tries to make problems, but sometimes it feels like she’s ever-present.” Terry is trying to be considerate of Debbie’s concerns, but what he’s been doing so far isn’t working. “He knows it bothers me, so he won’t answer her calls in front of me or he’ll cut the phone calls off and say, ‘Yes, no, gotta go, bye,’” says Debbie.

The Expert’s Advice
It’s critical that Debbie and Terry work together to establish boundaries and a parenting routine so that they can minimize the phone calls with Terry’s ex-wife, says Tina Tessina, a marriage therapist in Long Beach, CA, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, and a REDBOOK . Marriage Institute expert. But Debbie and Terry each have to make individual changes, too. “I think Debbie gets a lot of bad advice from her friends with a soap opera point of view-they egg her on to be jealous and upset,” says Tessina, who suggests that Debbie take steps to banish her insecurities by communicating. more with Terry’s ex when it comes to the kids’ care. Terry, meanwhile, .needs to be firm about limiting the calls, and put some distance between himself and his ex so his new
. marriage can start off right.

Put the ex in perspective. “Terry’s ex-wife will be there for the kids’ soccer games, graduations, and even their weddings someday, and relations should remain cordial,” says Tessina. “The goal is to be one family.” To stop focusing on the family Terry and his ex had, and concentrate on moving forward with her new family instead, Debbie should try thinking of Terry’s ex as more of an aunt, says Tessina. This way, Debbie will stop seeing the ex as competition, or as a participant in Debbie and Terry’s relationship. “If Debbie could reach out, she and Terry’s ex might get over feeling alienated from each other,” says Tessina. “They may never be close friends, but they can respect and value each other as parents.”

Make’ communication a three-way street. There’s no reason that only Terry should talk to his ex about the kids, says Tessina. “If Debbie has more contact with Terry’s ex-wife, everyone will relax a little,” she says. Having regular conversations with Terry’s ex will help Debbie feel less threatened by her, and effectively limit the conversations between Terry and his ex without damaging any family relationships. “If Debbie handles the calls, she’s saying, ‘Terry is mine now; and that she is part of the family/parenting triad,” says Tessina, who adds that if Debbie is more assertive about her role, it will be easier for her to banish any feelings of jealousy that she might have.

Keep conversations in check. It’s up to Terry to set the boundaries for calls from his ex, not the other way around. “Whatever warmth there is between Terry and his ex-wife should be kept to discussions about the kids, not one-on-one stuff, because it bothers Debbie,” says Tessina. If the conversation starts veering into personal territory, Terry needs to switch it back to the kids or end the conversation tactfully. “He has to get comfortable with saying, ‘Sorry, but I’ve got to go’ more frequently with his ex-wife-and not just when Debbie is around,” says Tessina.

Focus on the marriage. Because so many things have changed fast for Debbie and Terry-living together, adjusting to the rotating custody schedule and being newlyweds-the two need to make a point of spending time with just each other to bond. During those weeks when the kids are with their mom, Debbie and Terry should have a relationship business meeting. “They can maximize their time off from parenting, keep updated on each other’s lives, and establish more intimacy,” says Tessina.
They should also have frank discussions about their comfort zones with the ex situation. “This will help Debbie feel more secure about her marriage,” Tessina says.

Schedule family updates. If Debbie and Terry stay informed on what’s going on in the kids~ lives-from schoolwork to doctors’ appointments-there will be less back-and-forth with Terry’s ex-wife. Tessina advises that Debbie and Terry hold a regular meeting with the kids when they arrive on Mondays for their week together. “During dinner, take a moment to say, ‘Hi, glad you kids are here. These are our plans for the week. What homework or activities are you working on?’” says Tessina. “This gives everyone a chance to catch up:” So when Terry’s
ex has a question or concern about the kids, Terry and Debbie will already know what’s going on and they’ll be able to address it without having a long discussion.

The Couple’s Reaction:
Debbie: “Tina’s advice made great sense to me. If I’m more involved in the conversations with Terry’s ex, I will see them for exactly what they are-conversations about the kids and their lives. I like the idea of thinking of Terry’s ex as part of our extended family. I think that will help me deal with her-and the situation-better.”
Terry: “I like Tina’s idea of Monday meetings with the kids. Spelling out the plan for the week ensures that everybody will understand what’s going on for the week. Also, I like the idea of Debbie calling my ex-wife, but I’m not exactly sold on it. I don’t see any of my friends in blended families doing it, but we’ll give it a try.”