By Jerry Devine

Most clinicians and researchers now agree that stepfamily development can be a slow and often painful process that requires from two to five years to complete. During that process, each member faces many challenges as he/she struggles to identify who they are and what their role is in the new family. For many, the loss of security caused by the breakup of the old family and the many changes needed to create the new family, feel too threatening to allow an easy transition. Others may resist changes of any type and those changes that impact self-identity and relationship roles are particularly threatening. Therefore, they can generate the greatest resistance.

New stepfamily members are required to navigate through this minefield of change long before the safety nets of trust and protected boundaries are in place and accepted. The title of Drs. John and Emily Visher’s book, “Old Loyalties - New Ties”, captures the essence of the emotional conflicts members experience as they begin to address these changes. This conflict is perhaps most often experienced in the areas of boundaries and discipline.

Boundaries can generally be divided into two categories. Together these boundaries allow the members to feel secure enough to connect and bond so the step family can develop:

- Structural boundaries relate to relationships.
- Functional boundaries pertain to the rules and traditions of the family.

Out-of- Bounds?

Normally, relationship boundaries are established to define and protect identities and roles. However, as noted earlier, step family members are often confused about their identity and roles in the new family. Angry and defensive behavior can result when efforts to establish boundaries occur before these roles and identities are clearly defined and accepted. The classic stepchild response of “You’re not my mom/dad,” reflects this conflicted and defensive attitude. Therefore, it’s critical for parents/stepparents to remember that what lies under a defensive attitude is probably a great deal of fear and confusion.

Fortunately, clinicians and researchers have identified some general guidelines that many step families have found useful in dealing with the fear and confusion associated with establishing relationship boundaries. While these guidelines work for many stepfamilies, they may not work for everyone. Each stepfamily is unique and has its own special circumstances. Flexibility is the key, so be prepared to change or simply not use any technique that does not work for you.

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Recognizing and respecting a few fundamentals helps to grow healthy stepfamilies:

Guideline #1: Recognize pre-existing relationships.

This is particularly true for biological parent/ child and biological siblings relationships. Remember that these relationships preceded the stepfamily formation. Each of these earlier relationships has an identity of its own and will resist being ignored or consumed by the stepfamily.

Boundaries around pre-existing relationships can be very rigid at first, creating the sense that the stepfamily is comprised of various sub-units (these normally align along biological ties). These sub-units have insiders and outsiders. This is a very normal condition, and these boundaries need to be respected and supported. Too often, well-meaning efforts to create “one big happy family” tend to discount the importance of these previous relationships.

Over time, as each sub-unit is supported and its members begin to feel less threatened, their associated boundaries become less rigid. This reduces the insider/outsider phenomenon. Thus, an environment is created that can promote change and help support each member’s new identity and role.

Guideline #2: While respecting and supporting existing boundaries within a stepfamily is critical, it is also essential to respect the boundaries between households.

Remember that the children must move between these households. Like the boundaries around sub-units, these boundaries also need to be permeable.

Generally, the less conflict that exists between households, the easier it is for children to move from one to the other. If a child demonstrates a lot of acting out behavior before or after visitation in the other household, it may indicate that the boundaries are too firm and difficult to pass through. One way to help ease this passage is to limit any negative comments about the other household members and to increase the positive ones. Each negative comment is like adding several bricks to the boundary wall, making it more rigid, while each positive remark removes bricks and increases its permeability.

Another aspect of recognizing household boundaries is to realize that we have little control over what happens in the other household. Of course, cooperation and communication are the best tools to reduce the conflict between households and to make the child’s transitions easier.

However, if this is not possible, conflict that arises from attempting to make the other household enforce our rules or mirror our lifestyle often results in generating more problems than solutions. Remember that about half of your child’s self esteem comes from how he/she views and identifies with each parent. If he/she believes one parent is mostly bad, that child’s self esteem may be reduced proportionately.

Guideline #3: Functional boundaries are the rules of the family. They should remain balanced and flexible.

These boundaries define such things as whether meals are eaten together or separately, in front of the TV or at the table, how routines are handled around bedtime, chores, TV watching, telephone and computer usage and homework schedules, etc.

In many instances, the expectations each adult brings to the stepfamily are quite different. Parents should examine each rule carefully. Perhaps some of them are not important enough to start conflicts over. It’s also important to keep a balance between whose rules are implemented so no one feels dominated and resentful. Minimizing these resentments will be crucial whenever discipline is required. Too many rule changes early in a stepfamily’s life can cause delays in the member’s ability to bond, particularly if these changes are seen as stepparent-initiated. Go slowly and compromise whenever possible. “Sometimes we eat in font of the TV and sometimes we eat at the table” can be a good model for setting many rules.

The nature of boundaries leads naturally to their enforcement. That involves the task of discipline. Here again, those who work with and study stepfamilies have developed a few guidelines for discipline.

Guideline #4: Perhaps the most important guideline, and also the most difficult one to accept, is that stepparents have little or no inherent “parent power” when it comes to discipline.
Research has shown that when stepparents assume too active a role in discipline too early in the process, their efforts can result in frustration and resentment.

Unfortunately many stepfamilies have learned the hard way that marrying a child’s mother or father does not necessarily give the stepparent parental power. That power is actually awarded to the stepparent by none other than each stepchild. This process can take one to two years depending on many conditions including: the age and sex of the child, geographical proximity and relationship with the other biological parent, custody arrangements, etc. In some cases, particularly with older teenage stepchildren, it may never be complete. It’s in the area of discipline that role ambiguity has its most dramatic impact and likely causes the most problems in stepfamilies.

Guideline #5: Maximizing the amount of nurturing appears to be the most effective approach for stepparents to earn authority.

First, although stepparents are limited in “control power” they are not limited in their “nurturing power”. Maximizing the amount of nurturing appears to be the most effective approach for stepparents to earn authority. Jamie Kashet, Ph.D., in her book, “Love & Power in the Stepfamily”, suggests that stepparents incorporate some powerful “As” in their quest to earn parental power: Acceptance and Affection by the stepparent leads to Authority. When a stepparent can offer these things in a patient and persistent environment, the stepchild has the greatest opportunity to develop enough trust to grant parental authority. This environment may be easier to promote when the stepparent assumes the role of friend, coach, or mentor rather than parent.

Guideline #6: While the biological parent must start out as the disciplinarian, it is important for both parents to discuss and agree on the rules and the methods they use.

Since the stepparent has little effective power to discipline the children, the biological parent must step forward and perform that task. While the biological parent must start out as the disciplinarian, it is important for both parents to discuss and agree to the rules and the methods used to enforce them so there can be a smooth transition later when the stepparent is able to become more active.

Although boundary setting and discipline are sensitive issues in stepfamilies, they can be successfully accomplished.

You’re on your way when you begin to appreciate the complex emotional issues related to establishing healthy stepfamily boundaries. By following some of these proven guidelines, you can help reduce the potential for conflict and create a healthy and happy step family. II

Jerry Devine, M.S., L.M.F.T., can be reached at the Devine Family Counseling Center. The Woodlands, Texas, at email: jahrdevine@aol.com. Jerry serves on the SAA Board of Directors.